Why do we strive for what is freely given?

I was talking to a friend this morning. Her plate is full, but her heart is, too. Her heart is chunked full of gratitude.
She was greeted this morning with the persistent pecking of a woodpecker. As she inhaled the fragrant mug of coffee, she secretly hoped no bear coveted her warm drink.
It was a brisk 62 degrees and air was clean and invigorating.
As we caught up on the phone, she shared her "aha" moments that she has enjoyed this past week in their getaway cabin. She has seen things she has waited four decades to see.
Why do we not wait?
How many times have we quit before the finish line? I know I am particularly guilty of that one. I give my power of decision to self-sabotage.
As we talked about the future, a verse came to mind.

Fear not, little flock, for its your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Luke 12:32

Why do we strive for what He delights in giving us?
I think the beginning of the verse holds the key. He says, "Fear not."
We often don't call it fear, but stress, worry, conflicted and other gentler descriptions.
Fear not is found 365 times in the Bible, but we still fear.
If "perfect love casts out fear", why do not receive that perfect love, the Father's love?
Even if we fail, we can begin again and even again. His love for is longsuffering.
I am ever so grateful that He judges the "intents of our heart." He doesn't count against us all the goofy stuff our unrefined heart sometimes takes us. When we fall down, we repent and begin again.
Too often we beat ourselves up for wasted time, even wasted years, but He holds each day as a gift, a present. Live it as my friend grateful for the very air you breathe. Listen to the quiet and hear the small wonders whether a cricket or a storm. Appreciate it all and know it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.
When you seek His face, not His hands, you will see what the kingdom really is and where it is.
Purpose in your heart today not to waste another moment on fear. Instead choose to live life fully and in the knowledge that you are loved.

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He Watches Over Us

 

I am probably as old today as Ethel Waters was when she sang this song. This song sustained me during a very dark time in my life some 30 years ago. In fact, I had a small gift shop in the downstairs of my parents 4,000 sq ft Victorian home.

They had moved to New Orleans and allowed me to try this venture. The venture failed, but God did not.

When I moved from 4,000 sq ft to 900 in the middle of a cow pasture, I took with me the knowing that He still had His eye on me. Since that time I have lived from Florida to Texas to Lesotho, a small kingdom completely surrounded by South Africa and back to Florida and now Georgia. Everywhere I went, He went with me. Any troubles I had were because I went with me, too.

You see His eye is on us, but there is a time when that has to become a part of the decisions we make for ourselves.

Yes, when I was younger, many bad things happened to me even while His eye was on me because of another's free will. I shouted at God, turned my back on Him and ran from Him. All the while He kept His eye on me.

It is when I recognized that not only was He watching me, but He had so much love to give me if I would just receive it. Then I knew what it meant to sing back, I see you, Daddy. I see you watching me. Which way should I go? He leads me to the extent I yield to Him.

When Ray was in the hospital having a quadruple bypass, my daughter, Margie, went to the gift shop and bought me two bronze sparrows. It was a poignant reminder that we are not alone in our journey called life.

Thirty years ago I sang this without knowing what love was available to me when I returned that gaze. Today I sing it knowing because He lives, I can face tomorrow.

I am attaching one more video especially for Caitlin and others at crossroads.

Looking Back or Looking Forward?

Everyone has regrets. Regrets come in all sizes and are designed to keep us from moving forward.
Paul tells in Philippians, "¹³ Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,¹⁴ I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
The plan of the enemy is to let the victimization and mistakes of our past become the devastation of our future. Paul exhorts us to forget those things that are in the past. How many years did I waste tied in knots because it wasn't fair? Those questions keep in the quicksand of what if and if only, never moving forward and watching life pass you by.
Isn't it time to take your life back?
I am convinced the answer to all problems is to receive more of the Father's love.
Too often we take the shortcomings of our earthly father and color God as the big policeman in the sky or someone that  is distant and not trustworthy.
If we simply open our hearts to Him and pray, God, show me your love, if we read His Word and seek Him, He will heal the broken places of our heart.
That is what He did for me. The joy and peace that I have now comes out of a relationship with Him. It is in relationship, I trust Him and receive His love. It's much more than you thought possible and then  reach forth for those things which are before us.

Using the broken pieces

I have a decorative dress form sitting on the buffet of the room I do Mary Kay facials and makeovers in.  I have dressed it in garlands of pearl and bling to remind me that we are treasures. However, if you look closely you will see watches that do not run, orphan earrings and broken baubles. It is just as much the broken things in our lives as the perfect that help shape us into who we are today.
The abuse that I lived through gave me two choices: I could be tougher so no one would never hurt me again or I can take the broken pieces of my heart and put them on the Potter's wheel, let Him add living water and re-mold me, shape me and if necessary, shape me again.
When we don't accept the brokenness then we become a fabricated personality as we put up a good front.
 Over 30 years ago when I was doing insurance sales, it was all about image. Our motto was "Fake it til you make it." I can look back and see how that opened the door to being who others expected me to be instead of who I was created to be.
Forgive me for telling this story again, but I went up to a lady in my church about six years ago and said, "I want to sell Mary Kay."
She looked me up and down and said, "YOU do???"
You see I looked more like an unmade bed than a beauty consultant.
Her next question was, "Why?"
Well, I had taken the For My Life course and learned about Unloving. I learned I was the poster child for self-hatred. (My observation, not theirs.) To get rid of it you have to learn to love yourself.
So I replied, "Well, I know I have to learn to start taking care of myself. I am not a hypocrite and I figure if I am going to sell the junk, I am going to have to use it."
Morning after morning I would stand in front of the  mirror and say, "God, I don't see any good thing. Could you show me who you see when you saw me before the foundation of the world so I can walk towards that instead of devastation?"
I wish I could tell you I got it immediately. I did not.
However, I kept looking. During the journey I became Queen of Sales and Miss Go-Give for our unit several times, but it still wasn't who I was.
Unfortunately it was my daughter, Carrin's death that took me to an off-frame restoration.
Before I was just painting the rust. Now I am willing to allow my Creator to put me back on the wheel, break me, mold me, shape me until I reflect Him, not me.
Often He will use the broken pieces to make something beautiful. Will you let Him?

Who Are You?

The longer I live the more I realize I am not the only person that really doesn't know who they are from a Father's perspective.
For years I allowed what happened to me in my journey of life defined me. So my self-definition- meaning those tapes playing in my head- said I was fat; I was abused, unclean, unwanted. I was a failure and feared failing again.  I was a procrastinator and the list goes on.
Everyone has tapes playing in their head. Obviously some are better than others. The important thing is if the tapes train you for failure, then it is time to change the tape.
When I first came to the Be in Health ministry and heard that to change I had to know who I was, who the Father said I was, I was clueless. So clueless I googled, Who Am I in Christ.
That was the beginning of changing the course of my journey. When we let people and circumstances, traumas and events define us, we will not reflect His workmanship.
Each belief brings with it a mindset.
 As a child I loved playing with a kaleidoscope. As you turned it different pieces of glass tumbled into place forming a new picture. Your daily life can be likened to one of those tiny glass pieces. Now it depends on the direction you turn it which picture you see.
It is my heart's desire that you read my blog, you, too, will be able to exchange beauty for ashes. (Isaiah 61:1-3)
I want you to see yourself as a "pearl of great price and I earnestly do not want you to take as long it took me.
If you want to change, I invite you to join me on this journey. My desire is to give a simple word of encouragement and remind you are not alone. Then you decide which turns to make to take back your life and live it to the fullest.

Still Being Formed

I can remember the years of "looking for love in all the wrong places." After an abusive first marriage, I wanted someone to complete me. I wanted someone to help me raise my three children. I did not want to travel this journey alone.
What I did not know is until I know who I am that love I was looking for could not complete me. It was simple. I didn't know who I was so I couldn't know what that missing piece looked like.
I lived with a fabricated personality. I lived my life trying to gain approval. I was whomever you needed me to be. All that brought was self-conflict.
I looked at the Proverbs 31 woman and all I saw was self-condemnation. I could never be that. Oh, I would try, but I would crash and burn. I was doing it in my own strength.
When you begin to know who you are, it gives you a quiet confidence.
Look at a pearl. A pearl is created in secret. It is formed from an irritation. I absolutely love that. It takes an irritation and begins to build. I would let irritations destroy me.
Unlike a diamond that is found in a mass, a pearl is formed in a shell and is singular and complete within itself. It is rare and not in plain view. It is under water.
We are to be hidden in the LORD, the fountain of living water. As we yield to Him and allow Him to form us. A pearl is formed of many layers. We can formed into His image as we receive line upon line, precept upon precept.
We are a people who want it and want it now.
That's not how God works.
God is more prone to use the crock pot than the microwave. As I rest in Him, He cooks down those areas of toughness that I created to protect myself. He reminds me of who I am.
I cannot count the number of times I have grasped a truth and run with it when I didn't have it deep inside of me. When you to do that truth becomes a weapon and does reflect His mercy.
I have been forgiven of so much. That should be how I live. When I come across a difficult relationship, I pray, "God, let me see what you see when you see them, because right now I just want to take them out of my life."
 If I wait for that revelation, I get it along with one of my past mug shots. It is rather humbling.
I am still being formed- line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little, there a little.
I am not who I used to be, but, praise God, I am not yet who I am going to be.

Exceeding Abundantly

¹⁴ For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
¹⁵ Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,
¹⁶ That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man;
¹⁷ That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,
¹⁸ May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;
¹⁹ And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.
²⁰ Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,
²¹ Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.

We pray to the Father asking for help in situations, ask for blessings, answers and more, but when Paul pray he prays conditionally. He prays declaring that God is able to meet us EXCEEDING ABUNDANTLY. Then he add the caveat: according to the power working in us.
The Lord spoke to me several months ago saying I was coming into a season of "exceeding abundantly."
If you looked at my life at that time, you would have had to laugh like Sarah when God said she would have a baby in her 90s. However, I knew that condition and knew the reality was I had to turn up my power. That meant more time in the Word, more prayer and trusting at a still deeper level.
 I think we always think we trust God until He begins to barbecue one of our sacred cows. Time and privacy are two of mine. Someone said that they didn't even know I moved.
I replied, I am a very private person."
As I walked away, I heard a still small voice chide, "No, not private. Unloving."
God knows for us to be whole we must be in fellowship. It is just like the enemy to send the false comforter to tell us we are wounded. We need to be alone to heal.
We do need some alone time to relax, but when that alone time becomes a lifestyle, we will wither from malnourishment.
We are a body "fitly joined together" and when a body part goes missing, we are crippled. Reaching out when you are empty and wounded is scary, but "perfect love casts out fear." Ask Daddy to help you. Begin small forays. Show up a few minutes early and smile.
Smile as if you know a secret. You do. "Greater is He that is in you than He that is the world."
He is the power source for EXCEEDING ABUNDANTLY. Stay plugged in.

Whose Life Is It?

Too often when I wake up in the morning my "to do" list flashes across my mind. I have to do this. Have to finish this. Although I take time to be with Daddy and love Him and let Him love me, that list is flashing like a neon sign in my mind.
When I remember why I am here and whose I am, there are still things to be done, but the drivenness and performance is gone.  I am free to take a detour when prompted and just love on someone, write a note, make a call.
When the list is more important than the people, the joy of life dissipates.
Drivenness and performance came out of my need to justify my taking up real estate on planet Earth. I spent most of my life feeling like I had to prove I was okay. I focused more on those somebody done somebody wrong songs playing in my head, that I couldn't hear Daddy, calling me. I couldn't feel good enough to receive His love. I felt I had to earn it. Corrie Tem Boom once said, "Hold everything loosely because it hurts when God pries your fingers open."
I know the truth in that. Things that I thought were mine, all mine, turned to dust. When I began to trust Daddy to care for me and love me, I could follow His plan, not mine.
It was not only wiser, but safer and peaceful in a way I had not know before.
I love my life because it really isn't mine at all, simply a space in time, He has given me.
Just this week a friend died, another was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, and a doctor found a tumor in my cousin's pancreas. I can fix none of that. I can pray. I can love and reach out. Then I can give it back to Him, the author and finisher of my faith.
I place none on my "to do" list.
Jesus saith unto them, My meat is to do the will of him that sent me, and to finish his work. John 4:34

I Give Myself Away

Home is Where the Heart Is

Sometimes your heart is in the wrong place.

Carrin had been working to resolve some deed issues on our home, but frankly as a banker, she said the numbers were wrong and the title not clean.

That home was my Ishmael. It is something I made happen. I did not wait on God. The owner needed to get rid of it and I wanted a home. I tried as hard as I could to make it a house of hospitality, but the truth is, it was a money pit.

Ray’s health began to decline after Carrin’s death. I believe it was in part because this was one problem he couldn’t fix for me. Ray is a Builder Bob. He loves me dearly and if there is a problem, he fixes it. No amount of fixing was going to bring Carrin back.

We sought counsel about the house and two very different advisors said to cut our losses and leave. However, I continued to try to make it work. When Ray who just goes and goes, failed a stress test, the same test I had passed six months earlier, I was stunned. Still I didn’t believe there was anything seriously wrong, because he was the strong one. He had a heart catherization and I figured the worse would be that he needed a stent or two. But stents would not resolve his issues. He needed a quadruple heart bypass.

I really found that hard to believe. I had lost my daughter. Was I going to lose my husband, too?

When faced with death, the house seemed of little consequence. I am called to be Ray’s helpmeet. Continuing to fight to resolve the issues was like trying to whitewash sin. Sin is sin no matter how you color it.

Many stood with us as we walked this out and know that story, but let me tell you the rest of the story. After we moved, it was if a 20 pound weight had lifted. I was so relaxed.

A couple of days later I realized I was drawn to old houses for decades, because I was trying to recreate the happy part of my childhood. It was something familiar to me. Just like the enemy to use the familiar to make us passive and pseudo peaceful.

One day someone stopped me in the hall to thank me for a small book I had given her. She said she had been so overwhelmed with grief and loss that it was like bite-sized pages of encouragement. I still had a copy at home. One night I went through each page and when it referenced a scripture, I looked it up and wrote it in the book. It is called Pearls of Heaven and it tells of our value in Christ Jesus. We are each a pearl of great price that Jesus died to redeem.

For months I had felt that it was time for me to write again in my blog. It is a blog of encouragement directed primarily to women.

As I wrote out the scriptures, I thought of how many don’t know who they are and what fun it would be to show them their value through the blog. I studied the nature of the pearl the science of its creation. It is born out of irritation. Something unnatural invades its space. Isn’t it the supernatural calling of the Father’s love that invades our carnal nature?

Ray’s classes came to a close. He was going to deliver buses for three weeks to pick up the slack. Every route he looked at would net him less than a $100 for a week’s work. It was evident that the Lord wanted him to rest. I heard the Lord remind me that I am his help-meet. The fall season with new colors and products is fast approaching. It was time for me to go back to where I had dropped the axe. (2 Kings 6:6) Except for the retirement village, I had not done any facials since Carrin died.

Then the Lord reminded me that I am in the Pearl Division of Mary Kay. It was too much of a coincidence to be ignored.

While talking to a friend and telling her how when Jesus died, the disciples returned to fishing. They went back to what was familiar. Jesus had disciple them for three years, but that was left for familiarity. I explained that was what I had one here. I was going through some stuff by being at PVC and leaving my family and things were not turning out the way I expected them to go, so I returned to the familiar. I needed an old house as my fix. Then I had an “aha” moment.

When I left to go to college, my mom sold that house that I dearly loved. It was built in 1922. It was three doors from the St. Johns River. Did I mention that I loved that house? It had a lot of idiosyncrasies and yes, it was a money pit. There it was- the door point of trauma of my home being sold and they moved into another house that did not have room for me. As soon as I said it, I said that was FIFTY years ago. I am 68 this year. So THIS is my year of Jubilee.

I believe the next twelve months (who says my year has to begin in January?) are going to be like no other.

A Tribute to a Beautiful Woman

This by far has been the roughest year of my life. It began with Carrin’s death last August. (2012)

I took a sabbatical from all I could just to heal. She was a treasure. I can still hear her giggle and when I am hard on myself, I hear her say, “Woman!” She loved me unconditionally and wanted me to learn to love myself as well.

No parent should lose their child.  Nothing in life prepares you for the loss. In Carrin’s case, it was a car wreck. Quick and sudden. No good-byes.

So you replay your life together from the time I was told I was having twins to the day they were born. The twins were named Margie and Carrin. My mom’s maiden name was Margie Carrin (pronounced Karen.) I have a beautiful sister named Karen. So I named one after mom and another after my sister, two important people in my life.

Carrin was a cheerleader in junior high, but the reality is Carrin was a cheerleader all of her life. My mind skipped merrily through her life.

I had struggled with depression while raising children, but Carrin radiated God’s love and a great zest for Life! She did everything with enthusiasm and excellence!  Her infectious smile could light up a room in a heartbeat. She was beautiful inside and out.

When I finally overcame depression, I went to Carrin to repent. She dismissed it with, “That’s in the past and we don’t need to talk about.”  For years I would beat myself up for the lack of nurturing I gave my awesome children. God gave them what I couldn’t. She loved her daughters deeply and oh! their birthday parties! She celebrated life.

When I began to do Mary Kay, I wanted my girls to do it with me. How I got into Mary Kay is another story. My second year, Carrin came alongside me. I was Queen of Sales and she was #3.

However, she was climbing the bank ladder to success. She became bank manager (where she had customers whose surname was Carrin). Because of the demands of that job, she no longer had the time to do Mary Kay. Three weeks before she died, she sent all of her Mary Kay inventory (after sharing with her two daughters) and supplies to me. She said, I know you are going to do something with Mary Kay and this is my way of supporting you. Always the cheerleader.  She did everything with that contagious energy, excitement and love, along with a beautiful spirit.  She knew how to put the spotlight on other people!

 She had a humble servant's heart and indomitable spirit. Few people knew how she struggled with Chron’s disease. She wasn’t a whiner. She believed she could beat it. She never had that opportunity.

Her life touched hundreds in big and small ways. Over 300 came to her viewing, many apologizing that they had to work the day of the funeral. They shared stories of how Carrin loved and cared for them. Some of the tears shed that evening were tears of joy when they shared how Carrin had touched their lives. It was Carrin being Carrin.

I wasn’t prepared for such a large funeral, but I should have known. She gave love unconditionally and made friends quickly. It was a fitting tribute to a special woman of God- a daughter, a wife, a mother and grandmother. She lived only 40 years, but she lived them well.

Today as a tribute to Carrin would you call a family member and a friend just to say, “I love you?”

Prayer Matters

The prayers of a righteous man availeth much!
Yesterday a friend shared how during dinner one evening, everyone at the table took a turn to pray for my husband, Ray, who recently had a quadruple bypass.
We have seen the hand of God at every juncture of the journey.
Ray is strong, but during the past year, he was getting increasingly tired. Not normal for my personal Eveready bunny who keeps going and going and going...
We both thought his age was catching up with him.
It was a bad blood pressure reading that made the doctor think otherwise. So a stress test was ordered. Neither one of us thought anything of it. After all, I had passed one six months before and I am the wimp in the family.
Wrong! He failed. Big time. A heart cath was ordered and once again he failed. Because diffuse disease was found in the "widow maker", he was not a candidate for stents.
His heart muscles were strong. His ejection rate was good. Their only concern was his low oxygen levels. They said he may have to stay on the ventilator longer.
Our daughter, Margie, came up to hold my hand during the surgery. She brought her daughter who always brings smiles. Pastor Benny and Jodie kept me distracted so I didn't watch the clock.  The surgery lasted four and a half hours and went well.
Once he was in ICU, he was off the ventilator in FOUR MINUTES! Only God could have given him that gift to all of us.
Even today he is ahead of the "norm." He begins cardiac rehab Monday less than four weeks after the surgery.
I believe it is the prayers of so many people literally around the world that has sustained him and carried him through.
If you have a friend who is going through an impossible situation, pray. Pray as if their life depends on it for you may be the only one willing to pray through. You may never know this side of heaven how much difference it makes, but God will.
We can't fix everything, but we can pray and that may be key to their victory.
.http://www.youtube.com/embed/DYZ5z5qhKJI" .

Moving Forward

It has been six months since I posted and that was on purpose.
Carrin's death last August shook a lot of things up. There are some things you take for granted...like there will be a tomorrow. For Carrin, there wasn't and it showed the rest of us how precious each day really is.
For a while, I was sure the sky was falling. It was as if Carrin's death began a series of events that seemed overwhelming. One of these was that Ray needed and received a quadruple bypass, Ray has always the strong one.
Now he is restricted to lifting nothing heavier than a gallon of milk.
When roles change in a marriage, "in sickness and in health" comes front and center. Suddenly you see things in your own attitude that are not all that pleasing.
Why do we resist change? Why do we continue to want things the way they were?
When selfishness raised its ugly head because things were inconvenient or just not going my way, I would repent and then go into self-bitterness and self-hatred because I wasn't doing everything right.
This morning while in the waiting room at the hospital where Ray was getting his first post-operative stress test, I opened my Bible to read Revelation 3, a book I am studying.
But I took a Holy Spirit detour and stopped at 1 John.
 There I found a lot of answers to  not only why I do not love myself, but how to love myself. While I suggest you read the whole epistle, let me pull out a few verses.

2 My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous:

² And he is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world.
³ And hereby we do know that we know him, if we keep his commandments.
⁴ He that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him.
⁵ But whoso keepeth his word, in him verily is the love of God perfected: hereby know we that we are in him.
⁶ He that saith he abideth in him ought himself also so to walk, even as he walked.
⁷ Brethren, I write no new commandment unto you, but an old commandment which ye had from the beginning. The old commandment is the word which ye have heard from the beginning.
⁸ Again, a new commandment I write unto you, which thing is true in him and in you: because the darkness is past, and the true light now shineth.
⁹ He that saith he is in the light, and hateth his brother, is in darkness even until now.
¹⁰ He that loveth his brother abideth in the light, and there is none occasion of stumbling in him.
¹¹ But he that hateth his brother is in darkness, and walketh in darkness, and knoweth not whither he goeth, because that darkness hath blinded his eyes.
¹² I write unto you, little children, because your sins are forgiven you for his name's sake.

We know we cannot love others unless we love ourselves. We hate ourselves when we don't do things "the way we are supposed to." Well, who told us that?
Certainly the enemy.
 Verses 1 and 2 say we have an advocate in Jesus Christ and he is our offering, our atonement for our sin.
Self-hatred says, "No, thanks. That's not going to be good enough. I need to punish myself!"
Not only is that insanity, but it is self-idolatry declaring that hating oneself is a substitute for His death on the cross.
Yet I have done it for years.
¹² I write unto you, little children, because your sins are forgiven you for his name's sake.
"For his name's sake"
Can you ponder on that a moment?
"...your sin's are forgiven for his name's sake."
We have nothing to earn, nothing to prove, nothing to pay.
¹² I write unto you, little children, because your sins are forgiven you for his name's sake.

New Year, New Journey

When my daughter, Carrin, died last August, I slept with praise and worship songs.
The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.. ^{Zephaniah 3:17}
I needed Him to sing over me, because I was broken in many places.
One album in particular brought a lot of healing. It was called Sing Over Me. On it was a cut done by Janna Long called  May The Words of My Mouth.

This song became my prayer:
May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart
Bless Your name, bless Your name, Jesus
And the deeds of the day and the truth in my ways
Speak of You, speak of You, Jesus

For this is what I'm glad to do
It's time to live a life of love that pleases You
And I will give my all to You
Surrender everything I have and follow You
I'll follow You

Lord, be my vision, Lord,  be my guide
Be my hope, be my light and the way
And I'll look not for riches, nor praises on earth
Only You'll be the first of my heart

I will follow
I will follow
I will follow You

Carrin's death changed me in a way I cannot yet explain. It was like being ground up by a meat grinder and reformed.,
The hard places of my heart that I thought brought me protection were flattened. They were replaced with kindness and gentleness. The procrastination brought on by fear was brought to light in the reality that no one is promised tomorrow. Now each day truly is a gift.
My child, albeit an adult with grown children, my child.was gone. No good-byes. Just gone in a car wreck.. This was the child who called me three or four times a week during her hour long commute to work. . Not only did she share her heart, but she was such an encourager. It was like having your own personal cheerleader.
But life would never be the same.
The song says, "It's time to live a life of love that pleases You
And I will give my all to You
Surrender everything I have and follow You
I'll follow You."
I think I am not the only one who says they will surrender but never get around to it. Life gets in the way. When you are broken, you discover whose life it should be.
What does "live a life of love that pleases you" really look like?
A life of love has no time for criticism. Its love is from the heart of the Father not from an agenda. It is patient and kind. (I am still working on that.) It does not keep a record of wrongs. It has no room for whining or feels a need to have the last word.
So my New Year's Resolution is to live a life of love that pleases my Father; to give my all, surrender everything and follow Him.
I don't think it will be easy, but it will continue to shape  me into His image.




--

Run to Him

 Ray and I have had five weeks of company while preparing two very different booths for the upcoming gift buying season.
Today is the first day without an extra person in the house. My house looks like a war zone and I really can't blame the company. So I find myself weary and overwhelmed.
The day by and large was a good one. A really upbeat staff lunch with a meeting with a forward thrust. so excited about all of the new plans and changes. I love my job.
In fact, I love company and I thoroughly enjoy turning trash into treasure.
The booth at Antiques on Main in Woodbury is chocked full of primitives and vintage items while the booth at Traders Mall in Thomaston has some of my shabby chic items. That booth is shared with Cathy Clark who has a whole lot more going on than I do,
So I am blessed!  Then why do I feel like I have been run over by a bus?
I am quicker to recognize it now. It is because too often I have tried to keep all of the balls in the air in my own strength. In variably when I run out of steam, I run to my false comforter. For me that is sugar or carbs. However, it is as dangerous as if I went on an alcoholic binge. It means highs, lows, insulin and muscle pain.
During the five weeks I went on a modified Daniel Fast successfully. So how is it that I can hit bottom again?
Finally I know the answer. The pieces are coming together.I turn to the end of the Book and find out we win!
Revelations 12:10-12
¹⁰ And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night.
¹¹ And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.
¹² Therefore rejoice, ye heavens, and ye that dwell in them. Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time.
 So I am quick to repent. Quick to run to my Father who forgives me, loves me in my mess.and restores me.
I used to run the other way, but no more. No matter how much of His love I receive, there is more. It's not all for me. It is to pour out as well.
Allow Him to raise you up.

Humpty-Dumpty Kind of Faith

But without faith [it is] impossible to please [him]: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and [that] he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.Hebrews 11:6

Two of my granddaughters are here. School starts in a couple of weeks and I want so badly to make sure that they have everything they need for school.
My mother and grandmother would make clothes for me and my sister to assure that the first week of school I would have a new outfit every day.
Well, I can sew a straight line, but that is about it. I gave up early because every time I would try, my grandmother would rip it out and tell me to do it again. So the joy of sewing was just not there.
Ray and I have bought some clothes and some school supplies, but I want to do so much more. Also, I want make sure they have brand new tennis shoes, awesome book bags and a few other things. They have not asked or even hinted for a single thing.
They are so grateful for what they have received.
I had to catch myself, because I was tormenting myself by looking at MY resources rather than Father God. Can I not trust Him to provide the things they need after I have done all that I can do?
He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek HIM, not deals, maneuvering of the family budget. Seek Him. As much as I love these girls, He loves them so much more. So once again I release them and their needs to Him.
When I seek His hands rather than His face, my focus is skewed. It is a heart issue and if my focus is wrong then I have that Humpty-dumpty kind of faith that makes you scramble to try to get it all together again. His answers are always found when we let go and trust Him.

How Long, Lord? How Long?

I have been a Christian 60 years ever since I asked Him in my heart during Sunday school at First Baptist Church in DeLand, FL. sixty years. You would think I would have gotten this walk right by now. 
David declares, "My soul cleaveth unto the dust: quicken thou me according to thy word."
I, too, hold on t things that are not good to me, those dusty things carried from my past that I haul into each new day.
My biggest struggle is running to food as a false comforter. Food when I am tired. Food when I want to express love. Food when I need love. Food has way too much room in my life. I recently lost 10 pounds, but because it is like taking sand from the Sahara, it is not good enough. Wonder who told me that?
So I go back to the Word and what it says about me, about my walk and my final destination.
Why do we search elsewhere when the answers are all right there?
My souls cleaves to the (worthless).
When I run to the Word, He can restore me and even enlarge my heart to receive more that I may pour out more. To receive His love and then pass it on is a great delight.
Today I will be patient with myself. I will look to my Father to guide me. He is the truth that never changes. I am His daughter. I am loved and must learn to love myself even in the dust.


Spiritual maturity cannot come in a day. We cannot expect it. It takes growth, until the whole beauty of the image of Christ is formed in (us).
Andrew Murray

Which Way Are You Walking?

Psalm 119 Blessed are the undefiled in the way, who walk in the law of the Lord.² Blessed are they that keep his testimonies, and that seek him with the whole heart.³ They also do no iniquity: they walk in his ways.

Most of my life I have been fiercely independent. It was a coping skill borne out of abuse. I trusted few people. 

What I did not recognize until I was in my sixties, is that I didn't really trust God completely either. I had to have my fingers in the pie. There was no absolute surrender.

Corrie Tem Boom once said, "Hold everything loosely because it hurts when God pries your fingers open."

Fear cancels trust. Whether fear of man or fear of failure it does not matter. Psychologists say there are over 4,000 fears. Every single one of them will separate you from God, because fear cancels faith. 

But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.Hebrews 11:6

When we seek Him with our whole heart, we will walk in His ways trusting Him even if we don't see the final destination.
I am sometimes frustrated that it took me so long to let go of my ways and walk in His, but He reminds of His love and now my zeal that others will not wait as long. 

There is happiness and peace when you walk in His ways even if they don't make sense in the natural. His is a trust walk.

Will you trust Him? Oh, what places He will take you to when you walk in His ways. 

The Rain is Coming!

Have you lived through a desert time in your life when your very soul seemed parched?
The older you get, the more have confidence that the rain will come
We wait sometimes in anguish for it seems unbearable. It is a time for soul searching, a time to seek the Lord with all your heart, for you know that He and He alone holds the answer. 
Reminds of Isaiah who declared, "Behold, I do a NEW thing..." 
Why do we hold  on to that old thing that brought us to this wilderness?
Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, [and] rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:19
it shall spring forth That is a promise from God! 
Let go of your plans, the way you think should work out and rest in the desert quietly for the rain. Let the sun of the desert bake out those impurities so that truly you will see the Son of the rain.

Show Me Your Way

There are many paths we can take. Some are easy, others are not. What colors our choice?
God has told us. This is the way, walk in it, but we do consult Him, We go our own way, an easier way and then wonder why we have no peace.
Isaiah 30 illustrates the consequences of forsaking His ways.
  For thus saith the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not.
That does not sound like an idle request. Isaiah 30:15
What draws us away? What demands our time and what do we simply give our time to without thought?
²⁰ And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity, and the water of affliction, yet shall not thy teachers be removed into a corner any more, but thine eyes shall see thy teachers:²¹ And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left.
By not following His ways, we open the door to adversity. Then we feel compelled to create new ways to compenate, to bring course correction. All along His way, His path is before it but we are blinded by the cares of the world. We are not sensitive to His voice.
If he said right now, This is the way, walk in it, would I hear His voice? Am I so busy that I have lost that quietness and confidence?
To find His ways we must read the course guide. It is back to basics. 
Be still and know that I am God.  Psalm 46:10
Show me your way, Lord. Let me hunger for your righteousness. 

Not Always a Rockwell Christmas

Most of us have Christmas expectations. Many of these are erroneously based on previous Christmases even thought time and circumstances have changed. The players have changed, but we have these wistful memories.
However, with each Christmas, we have the opportunity to make new memories or start a new tradition. As long as we view life through the rear view mirror, we will miss the hope and joy of this Christmas.
Christmas is all about giving. If that stretches you, because you are looking at your bank account instead of your heart, start with a smile. Set a ridiculous goal like give 25 while at the grocery store. This means you make eye contact with someone and flash your biggest smile with 25 different people. The potential to change the environment in that store.
Well, what if you went to Wal-Mart this time of the year where you will have their notoriously long lines and you made eye contact and smiled at 25 people just while standing in line remembering how many people don't even have enough money to buy anything to stand in line for. What if you greeted the cashier with a hearty thank you for her part in your Christmas.
Shortly we are going to a nursing home to give gifts and sing, because you spell love T-I-M-E.
Some of these residents have been forgotten. A smile can make them feel remembered.
I may never have another Norman Rockwell Christmas, but I will always have a merry Christmas.