The Hole in My Heart Is Healing

Today is my oldest daughter's birthday. What a beautiful woman, wife and mother she has become in spite of the fact that as an infant I never even held her or saw her sweet face. Instead adoption papers were signed and I went home with empty arms.
For months I had talked to her in utero and shared what I thought were important life secrets and told her repeatedly how much I loved her. Yet I never knew if she heard me. I never saw her first tooth, her first steps, her first day at school or graduations, wedding or the births of her own children.

In that dismal home for unwed mothers, we were repeatedly told that we had no rights, that we could never interfere and all the other protocol of that generation. So I left New Orleans with a hole in my heart.

It would be over 30 years before we reunited through a series of what I call miracles. She was the one with the tenacity to find me. It's been over 10 years, but I will never forget the anticipation of her coming to Dallas. What a beauty she is. I constantly stole glances.

A lot has happened in the past ten years. I have been to Africa and back and nearly died of some heart complications. For whatever reason, we have had only three short visits.

Today while talking to a co-worker, I mentioned how I was trying to find all of those "hope deferred" places, so I could release them to the Father. Wham! Tears sprang to my eyes. This date was another "hope deferred" place.

Later another friend stopped by to check on me and when I told her with tears brimming that this was a hard date for me, she firlmly, lovingly said, "That is ungodly grief. It's time to let it go."

That was hard to hear, but I know by doing it that hole in my heart will begin to heal for ungodly grief keeps it open. Also, that ungodly grief puts distance between my daughter and myself, because she can never feel that hole. Only God's love can.

Over 40 years ago, I gave her away to faceless strangers who loved her and gave her the best they had to give. Today I release her a loving Father who has our best in His heart and is just waiting for us to put down our encumbrances and receive it.

Happy Birthday, Sweet One.

Diane