The Loving Gathering Tea

Once a year minimum I have a customer appreciation tea for all of my Mary Kay customers. I have told you that I began selling Mary Kay because I had a lot of self-hatred and needed the discipline of taking care of myself.
Similarly, it is easy for me to withdraw when I am wounded or hurt. So setting aside a time when I know I will have guests regardless of what is going on inside of me forces me to totally rely on "Christ in me, the hope of glory."
Last Saturday was just such an afternoon. With Jonathan in the house, old hurts are surfacing and I am doing my best to deal with them. Last week my friend and boss, Mary Pat, was teaching Bitterness. I had just been defiled by one of Jon's explosions. She thought it would be good for me to sit in the class again and it was. It showed me how much self-bitterness I still had because I was not a good mom. Sure I could use the excuse that I was bipolar and later diagnosed as multiple personality disorder. However, as devastating as the roller-coaster emotions were for me personally, they were multiplied for my children who because they were children automatically assumed it was their fault. That's a lot of baggage.
At the close of the teaching they played a beautiful song by Terri Lois Gregory. I immediately ordered and it arrived in time for the tea. That was God's favor, because I did not order it until Tuesday. I had to mail a check to Kansas and she sent it immediately back to me. It arrived two hours before the tea.
In it she explained that within 18 months time she had lost her job, her farm, her home, her mother to leukemia, an attorney violated her trust and a close friend stole a large amount of money from her. WOW! And I thought I had problems!
The song begins, "Father, remove this bitterness from me and heal my broken spirit..."
What a powerful beginning to healing. She goes on to share a quote from a book she was reading.
"Questions are allowed in the Kingdom, but lack of answers must not interrupt our heart-communion with God." Please re-read that:
"Questions are allowed in the Kingdom, but lack of answers must not interrupt our heart-communion with God."
She continues: If we demand answers from God, then we are walking in the spirit of offense. Hosea 6:3 says, "Then shall we know, [if] we follow on to know the LORD: his going forth is prepared as the morning; and he shall come unto us as the rain, as the latter [and] former rain unto the earth.."
Follow after is radaph. It is a verb. It requires action.
1) to be behind, follow after, pursue, persecute, run after
a) (Qal)
1) to pursue, put to flight, chase, dog, attend closely upon
2) to persecute, harass (fig)
3) to follow after, aim to secure (fig)
4) to run after (a bribe) (fig)

b) (Niphal)
1) to be pursued
2) one pursued (participle)
c) (Piel) to pursue ardently, aim eagerly to secure, pursue
d) (Pual) to be pursued, be chased away
e) (Hiphil) to pursue, chase

We are to passionately pursue God whether we understand or not. She says we are to run after Him in in the face of potential offense.
How I struggle to protect myself from getting hurt again. When I protect myself, He cannot.
Confirming the souls of the disciples, [and] exhorting them to continue in the faith, and that we must through much tribulation enter into the kingdom of God. Acts 14:22
Why should I act surprised when there is tribulation? We were told about it beforehand. Have I become so disconnected from the Word that I forget what it says and turn to emotions instead?
She gives me one final quote: "Persistently pursue fellowship with God even when your uncertainty feels deep and endless, and no answers have materialized. The suffering will last but a moment in God's grand plan for your life. Be thankful for the opportunity to persevere. And be assured - better times are on the way."
How I praise God for the wisdom to slow down, have tea and laughter and share my heart with friends. Walls are tumbling down.